Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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