you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
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you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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