I just threw up on my dentist
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
