Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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