Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just googled if crying burns calories
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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