Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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