i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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