She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
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She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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