i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm too high and old for this...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
