Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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