She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
