Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
