i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
