If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
