i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
