I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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