Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
