I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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