"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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