go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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