she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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