just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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