do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
