Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
