Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
