ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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