i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
