You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
