he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
