The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
