my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
