I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
