thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
