census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
