he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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