I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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