i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
