you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
