peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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