Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just threw up on my dentist
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
