I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
