Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
