i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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