That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
