I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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