conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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