mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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