I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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