I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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