i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
