I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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