For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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